her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
