$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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