I need help removing her.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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