I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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