Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
