suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
