And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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