I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize