I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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