I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize