Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
