He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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