i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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