You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
