Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
