his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize