im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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