I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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