I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
