why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
