So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
