what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
