Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
