too bad you live with your parents still
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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