I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
