the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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