He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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