I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
