Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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