I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
