So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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