Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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