Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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