You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
