So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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