I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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