You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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