why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
