Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
