i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize