Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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