The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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