32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
