I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
