listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
