At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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