I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
