My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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