I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
