I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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