Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
