His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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