is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I look better un-naked...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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