ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
