I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
