started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
