They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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