If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize