I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
