I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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