Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize