Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
