I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
