Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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