Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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